How to approach first dates so you never have a bad first date again
Diving back into the dating pool just over a year ago felt horrifying in all its newness. Not only because it had been about 10 years since my last date, but because dating apps now exist and were something I'd never tried before. I was resistant but went counter-phobic into the fear, creating my profile with the encouragement of a supportive friend one evening.
Since going on the first date, I've embraced dating and it's resulted in a very surprising experience in all the best ways. I've learned so much about myself, men, dating, and relationships over the course of many many first dates, and those I've seen beyond the first date.
So far, I've not had any disasters. Even the dates where it didn't progress were enjoyable. I put it down to attitude and how you approach dating.
Firstly, the first time you meet is not really a date. It’s a meeting to see if you have a connection with someone new to then decide if you want to go on a date. This takes away pressure, expectations, awkwardness and instead becomes an adventure of curiosity about another. A chance to learn something new about someone else and possibly even yourself.
For me, I've kept first meetings to a walk and coffee. It means being boundaried in setting a time frame (start and finish time) and location that is convenient for both people. For example, I might say, “Would you like to meet on (day) from (time-time) at (location) for a walk and perhaps grab a coffee?” During initial messaging, I also frame it as a meet rather than a date - “would be great to meet and see if there’s chemistry/connection.”
This sets expectations and contains the meeting. A walk also means you get the feel-good hormones going and you also don’t have to stare at their face for an hour like if you were meeting at a bar or sitting down for coffee. Of course, if you’d like to stare at their face for an hour you can always find somewhere lovely to sit during the walk.
It also means I’m doing something I like to do - a walk outside. Spending time doing something you enjoy is important. It means that even if you're not interested in the other person, at least you're doing something with your time that you enjoy.
As the end of the allocated time together, be honest with yourself and the other person about how you feel and what’s next. So think about this while you’re with them. How do you feel with them? What does your intuition say about the person? Do you want to get to know more about them and feel good in their company? Or is there something that isn’t clicking? Or are you feeling completely ambivalent - which usually indicates there isn’t enough there to pursue. If you’re unsure, it usually means a ‘no’.
If it goes well, I thank them for their time and ask to exchange phone numbers to then make a time for an actual date. Then I message them sometime soon after to suggest a time to meet again. You’ll quickly know if they’re truly interested or not.
If I’m not feeling the vibe - and I pretty much know intuitively after the first 5 mins (I’ve done a lot of work connecting deeply with my intuition) I let them know at the end of the walk. If I don’t feel connection or chemistry, I thank the person for their time and gently let them know how I feel. It’s polite and respectful and better than ghosting. The number of men who have thanked me for my honesty and not just disappearing is surprising. It’s better to be up front. It may feel uncomfortable to say but it’s kind and useful for them to know.
On every date, I’ve gone in with an open mind and heart that welcomes getting to learn a new perspective, bringing curiosity, open-ness, acceptance and compassion. This also helps set the tone for the other person and allows for more open conversation. So even when “I don’t feel the chemistry I’m looking for”, I’ve usually enjoyed hearing another person’s story.
Be genuine. Be open. Be honest. Be kind. Then you’ll enjoy your first meeting that might even lead to a date.
If you’re seeking dating guidance (with male and female insight), get in touch for a session with me.
