How to never* have a bad first date

At the risk of starting a definition debate, I like to approach dating with two 'firsts' in mind - the first meet, and the first date. The first meet is just that -  the chance to meet one another to see if it's worth going on a date. It's where you get a sense of one another to see if you'd like to spend more time together on an actual 'date'. 

The first meet is to see if you feel it's worth your time and energy to plan something a little more substantial, or worth keeping the chat going, or the time and prep involved in getting ready for the date, then actually going on the date, and all the little thoughts and doubts and excitements in between. It also helps take the 'date' pressure out of the equation that we often build up in our minds and hearts.

It also helps avoid being on a date with someone you don't want to be on a date with. Minimal investment with maximum output - you save time and energy by not going on a date you don't want to be on, rather, you invest yourself in going on a date with someone you already know you want to spend time with.

For the first meet, I suggest keeping it low key, such as a coffee and walk, and set a time limit of 30 minutes to an hour, somewhere convenient for you both perhaps a mid-morning coffee break, or on your way to or from work or the gym, or in the gaps between your other life activities. It also requires minimal to no 'date prep' in thinking about what to wear. 

Make sure it's as convenient as possible for both of you because it's not about going the extra mile on a first meet. It's about keeping it simple and easy. If you can't manage to keep it easy breezy for organising a half-hour meet ask yourself why the challenge and if there's something bigger to consider at play. One of the best things about a first meet before the first date is that it is boundaried and intentional - and boundaries are always important. 

So if the first meet is about getting a sense of the other and of self to see if there's something more to explore on a first date, the purpose of the first date is to build on the energy of the first meet. It's to find out how you really feel in the other person's company and if there is enough alignment to invest your time and energy in a second date. Neither firsts are about checking off your list of potential long-term partner requirements, but it is important to date with purpose and know what you want and why you're going on the date. 

But the first date is really about having fun and being open to learning something new about someone or something with a person you've already auditioned in the meet. It's also about getting to know more about yourself in a reflective practice of noticing how you are in someone else's presence. Do you feel you can be yourself? Are there qualities or personality traits they bring out in you? What do you notice about yourself that you perhaps didn't know about yourself before? Perhaps they've challenged preconceived ideas or encouraged new ways of thinking. Or, you've discovered something you thought was a deal breaker isn't such a big deal after all.

A first date should also be about doing something you both actually want to do. Ideally, it's something you might already be doing or might have done anyway, so even if you don't want to see them again, at least you did something you wanted to do. I like activity dates doing things we're both interested in. 

I've been on dates to a boxing class, rock climbing, walks, ferry ride, checking out a new cafe, morning markets, and a bar. Although I do prefer daytime first dates with no alcohol so there's a chance to see one another in the hard light of day! If you can't look at them - and yourself - in broad daylight, I'd have an honest conversation with yourself to ask what's getting in the way of being able to do this? And is this really the best time to be dating, or should I be 'dating myself' first to build my sense of self with self-care and self-love to have a better understanding of who I am and what I want? This may sound harsh but it's the best way to optimise dating energy. 

By the time you get to the end of the first date, you will know if they are someone you want to spend more time with. And you always know on the first date when you look deep within your gut feel, your heart of hearts. You know if they're someone you're interested in, or if you're tying to forge a connection. 

So be brutally honest with yourself. Do you like who you are when you're with them, as they are, and as you are? If the answer is yes, I hope you enjoy a second date!

*Ok, so maybe ‘almost never’ as there are variables out of our control!

Photo thanks to Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash